This is harder than I thought it would be. I had hoped to make a comeback. But the rare, serious autoimmune disease I have been diagnosed with is a doozy. Or more accurately, the drugs I am on have major side effects. After more than 75 half marathons in three years and a regular routine of run commuting 4.5 miles to work, I have been forced to take six weeks off. I have failed to show up for three different races I signed up for, even after downgrading the distance. The end is not in sight. But I am determined.
My wife, who has her own illness, gave me two pieces of advice. The first was, “Respect the disease.” The second was, “Suffer privately.”
I have failed to follow both her suggestions. I have turned the corner. I am heading in to the office, not just sitting at home.
I appreciate now, however, that I cannot simply will myself to perfect well-being. Autoimmune conditions have many triggers. Stress, and mental state more generally, are crucial factors in how the body functions. An unhappy attitude likely will cause a flare up. But its opposite does not promise a remission much less a restoration to health.
The cure is not worse than the disease. But the cure is not fun. Methotrexate, my main prescription, was a cancer drug, and it is deemed toxic. Constant fatigue, especially at my dosage (80mg once per week), is normal.
Steps near my house that I climb as a test
I am compelled to share though. For me, running and writing are related. When I run more, I write more. The blood flows; creativity results. In this forum, my writing is about my running. So I want to document, especially if it can help others, the process of recovery — or the ongoing adaptation to a new life. Running and writing seem solitary. But I like to run with, or at least around, those who challenge me. I wish to write for readers, even if I otherwise never interact with them.
Thus the running and the story of running will continue. I am chastened. I will have to start slow. I mean that literally, with the correct use of the word. I intend to begin again with walking. I will do a slower pace and shorter route, maybe just sauntering around the neighborhood, which has its share of hills, with my dog, to build up stamina. I have to wear a hat now and slather on sunscreen at SPF30 or greater. Severe sensitivity and the risk of burning is another issue on the list of what to confront.
Yet I am reconciled to myself. The alternative is despair or moping around. There is a better cycle. It’s likely that if I hadn’t been so vigorous in my hobby of running, which I took up only three years ago at 48 years of age, I would be much worse off at this point.
So I have to summon again that spirit that I needed to set off on the very first walk to work. I doubted then that any ordinary person could do it. I had to prove it to myself. A sense of community, that you will be supported by other souls who care, enables us in these struggles, because however independent we would like to picture ourselves the important journeys we take are in the company of companions.
